Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
