Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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