before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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