I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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