i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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