apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
