im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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