the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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