Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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