I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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