I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
