She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
