i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
