He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
