I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
