who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
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I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
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I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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