the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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