9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
