just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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