Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
