dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
