i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
