I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
