My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
