Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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