I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize