I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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