dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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