he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
