I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
