dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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