I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
