i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
