My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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