wanna go halves on a baby?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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