I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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