Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
