They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
