I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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