I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
