someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
