I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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