smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
