i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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