hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
