she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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