Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I deserve this hangover.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
