If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
