My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Randomize
