How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
