my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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