Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
