I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
