I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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