No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
